Support from Family and Friends
The stress of drought affects all family members. Adults frequently become so preoccupied they forget that though times have an emotional, as well as a financial, impact on their children. Children depend on their parents for emotional security. When parents are tense, upset and inattentive, much of this security is gone.
Extended drought leads to reduced income, which can mean sudden lifestyle changes for the entire family. There's less money to spend, so decisions must be made on how to spend what's there. It may mean other family members must find jobs. There may be less family time
As drought prevents regular agriculture production activity, parents may be home more, which might call for adjusting schedules and space. It may involve a move for the family.
Whatever changes drought brings, all family members feel the impact. Discussing these feelings and concerns, as a family, is important.
Family CommunicationCommunication has two parts -- talking and listening. Each must occur for communication to be successful. As families undergo changes in their lives, they need to talk about them. This includes adults and children. According to Harvard Psychologist, Gerald Kaplan, people who are not ashamed to express fears, anxieties, and sorrows, and seek help from others, deal with crisis the most successfully. Children who learn this at a young age will be more likely to cope with stress as adults.
Being able to discuss and vent angry feelings can help keep those feelings from creating more severe problems, such as emotional difficulties, family violence or alcohol abuse.
Listening is as important as talking. Everyone needs someone to listen to them -- someone who supports them and allows them to openly express feelings. Sometimes a person can find a solution or discover the sources of stress through talking. The listener should not feel obligated to advise, analyze or have all the answers. Listening and responding with concern and understanding may be all the help that is needed.
Open communication within the family is vital to good relationships. During stressful times we frequently need people outside the family willing to listen when we need to vent our feelings. In some families, listening without judging is difficult because we want to help, but have strong feelings and opinions. Also, family members are sometimes too busy or preoccupied to be good listeners. Taking the extra effort to actively listen is important.
Communication Tips
Be sensitive to non-verbal communication. Clenched fists, fidgeting, eye movements, and other body language can suggest totally different meanings for what is said.
Avoid "you" statements. They can stifle communication. Sentences that begin with "you" can sound like accusations.
Share your feelings with "I" statements. "I" statements build trust in the relationship. They give you ownership for what's said. The model for this type of communication is:
1. Begin: "I feel ___"
2. Name situation: "When you______"
3. Tell how you are affected: "because_____"
4. State what you would like to see in the future: "from now on please _____"
An example might be:
"I feel angry when I get home and find the dishes undone because it makes the place look so messy. In the future, would you please put the dishes in the dishwasher?"
Give feedback or check your interpretation of what is said. Ask questions such as "Do you mean _______?" "I understand you to say _______>"
Tips for Helping Children Cope
Even though you feel overwhelmed with your own problems, as a parent you can help your children cope with the stress. Here is a list of tips for helping children cope:
You can help your children best by first helping yourself. Try to gain control of your own stress; then you are ready to help your children cope.
Provide your children with information about your family's situation in a way that is within the child's understanding. Don't keep the income loss a secret from children and other family members, despite the urge to spare them or "save face."
Recognize symptoms that stress may be affecting your children: sleeplessness, diarrhea, withdrawal, headaches, and/or angry outbursts. Encourage the child to share feelings and fears. If you fell ineffective in helping your children manage stress, talk to the children's teachers, a school psychologist, clergy member or contact a mental health professional.
Promote balanced diets, get adequate rest and plenty of exercise to guard against health problems.
Try to keep other major changes to a minimum. Too many changes at once can be overwhelming. Changes such as a move may be unavoidable. Some changes can be positive, and open new opportunities for you and your children. So, try to keep the changes in perspective.
Help your children focus on the positive aspects of their lives. Look at family and personal strengths and draw on talents and contributions of all family members. Recognize these contributions, no matter how small.
Hold a family discussion on how the income loss affects money available for extra activities and allowances. Talk about family spending priorities. Discuss how each person will help control family spending.
Spend family time together doing low-cost or no-cost activities that family members enjoy. Visit nearby museums, hike, bike, camp or play board games.
Family communication and coping skills have a great impact on how your family deals with tough times, such as extensive drought.
Deciding How Children Can Help
Should Teens Work?
Encouraging teenage family members to find jobs is one way a family can increase its income during tough times. Researchers have studied individuals who grew up during the Depression and worked to help their families. They found work had a positive effect. As adults they were healthier psychologically and were better off for the work experience.
Parents and teenagers need to discuss and determine the number of hours that can be worked, how the money will be used, transportation and other issues. Teens who have goals for the use of their earned income to better, according to recent studies. Youth who have no clear goals for the use of their earnings spend more on luxuries, develop extravagant spending habits that lead to financial problems in adulthood, and are more likely to spend earnings on alcohol and drugs.
Students who work more than 15 hours per week tend to lose interest in school and their grades drop. Developing responsibility, good work skills and self-confidence can be dividends resulting from teen employment.
Here's a list of ways teen's income can be managed. Use it to guide a discussion with your teen on how his/her paycheck will be spent:
Use a portion for routine expenses incurred by the teen such as school lunches, clothes, gifts, dues and recreation. Save the remainder as an education fund.
Contribute a portion to the family household budget and keep a portion for the teenager's personal expenses.
Contribute the entire wages to the family budget and give the teen an allowance.
An ideal way for the teen to become familiar with the expenses of the whole family is to assist with developing the family budget. Have your teen figure the family budget without any of his/her earnings included. Then, add in a portion of the additional earnings under income and adjust selected expense categories, particularly in areas where the teen normally has expenses. You could also have your teen figure the budget including his/her total earnings. Such a comparison will help the teen and the rest of the family see the impact of his/her contributions to the total family budget.
When teenagers are highly involved in family money management, it's easier for them to understand the family financial situation and why they can't have some of the extras their friends may have. The hands-on involvement is a good tool to help teens develop their ability to set goals, make choices and see the value of the family working together.
Finding Employment
Many part-time jobs are available that fit into students' schedules. Pay is usually minimum wage, but can make a significant contribution to the family income and help defray some expenses. Jobs are frequently available for teenagers at restaurants, grocery stores and other retail businesses. Contacting the business directly to fill out an application can often lead to a job.
Newspapers, schools, community bulletin boards and friends can help direct you to other jobs. Federal Job Partnership Training Administration funds jobs for teenagers as part of summer youth programs and youth-in-school programs. School counselors or principals have information on these programs. Work permits are required for young people under age 16. To secure a work permit, contact your local high school superintendent's office or the regional superintendent of schools. Proof of age will be required to obtain a work permit. Take your birth certificate with you.
Teens can create their own employment by advertising their availability for babysitting, mowing lawns, running errands on their bike, cleaning out garages, or washing cars. Find things they enjoy doing and then find a way to turn their interests and talents into a job.
How Can Younger Children Help Mom and Dad?
Younger children will be aware of changes in their parent's behavior, but may not understand the cause and may think they are the cause of the problems that cause their parents to act differently. Be aware when anger and frustration come out in ways you and your children have trouble understanding. Mom may yell about things that wouldn't have bothered her before. Or dad may not pay attention when a child is talking to him.
Taking time to talk can help. Encourage your children to talk with both their parents and their brothers and sisters about the changes taking place. Listen to what they have to say. They may feel alone and worried about what's happening to your family. Angry outbursts, depression or abuse of alcohol are all examples of serious problems that can occur in families. These problems may require outside help. Support your child if he or she wants to talk with a school counselor, teacher, minister, doctor or neighbor. A child may feel more comfortable talking about some feelings with another adult outside the family.
Ways Children Can Help
Here are some things children can do when money is short:
Encourage children to think about things they spend money on that they can do without for a while -- movies, magazines, music, gas, sodas, etc.
Help them think about ways to stretch the money your family has -- sew or mend clothing, garden, babysit for younger brothers and sisters, prepared meals, or clip coupons for things the family buys.
Other ways children can help your family save on bills are listed below. Even little things help:
Turn off the lights, television, stereo and curling iron when not in use.
Make fewer phone calls and keep them short.
Taker shorter showers to cut down on the hot water used.
Dry clothes on clothes lines rather than in a dryer when possible.
Take clothes out of the dryer immediately to cut down on ironing.
Hang clothes up after wearing so they won't need to be washed as often and will last longer.
Don't stand with the refrigerator door open while deciding what to eat.
Drink water, milk and juices, which are healthier and can be less expensive than soda.
Hang up the towel after your shower/bath so it can dry and be used again.
Turn off water while brushing your teeth, turn on (small stream) for rinsing.
Use less shampoo - only enough to clean the hair (too much lather is wasteful).
Buy generic brands of personal care products.
Don't waste school supplies - use both sides of paper.
Don't be wasteful with food.
Ride a bike or walk to places whenever possible.
Give gifts to friends and family of your time and energy rather than money.
No matter what your age, there are things you can do to help at home during tough times. Here are some things children can do to help relieve stress and tension at home:
Think about the things you do that make other people in your family angry. Find ways to avoid doing those things.
Do extra chores; help out without being asked.
Clean up after yourself.
Avoid picking fights.
Spend time caring for younger brother/sisters.
Share your possessions and school supplies with other family members. Learn to be generous with your time also.
Keep a good sense of humor.
Be enthusiastic about trying new foods.
If a task needs to be done and you can do it, do it; it will be appreciated.
Identifying Sources of Support and Friendship Broaden Your Support Network
People experiencing tough times report they feel better if they have the support of family and friends. Your informal support networks are the personal ties you have with others. Friends, relative and other people you turn to for comfort, advice or help are your "support system."
Your informal support network helps in many ways. For example, a support person:
Listens to your concerns.
Helps you think about alternative plans and brainstorm ideas.
Comforts you when you're down.
Helps with material needs.
Identifying Your Support Network
To help you identify your support network, answer the following questions. Write in the names of people who give you support:
Who listens to you when you need someone to talk to?
With whom do you share good or bad news?
Who appreciates you?
Who stands up for you, even when they might not totally agree with what you're doing?
When you need advice, to whom do you go?
When you have a problem, to whom do you turn?
Who helps you make decisions when you need to think through and consequences?
The people you named for each of these questions are an important part of your life. You depend on them. They form your informal support network. In turn, you also give them support. As you look over the people you named, ask yourself these questions:
Are there one or two people? (spouse or friend whose name shows up often?) Are you leaning too heavily on these members of your support network?
Are there needs that are not being met? Which of these needs are most important?
Who else could fill the needs you have?
Who could help you meet your needs if you were to take the risk of asking?
What specific steps could you take to expand your support network? What things can you do this week? Next week?
Building A Support Network
Part of your daily goal should be making friendships that will add to your support network. This process is like making a patchwork quilt; a variety of different pieces are added over the years. Sometimes an unusual piece adds some special quality that you had not expected. Sometimes you may need to patch over places where the material has faded or worn thin.
Supportive friendships often come about indirectly from working and socializing with others. In order for this to occur, it is often necessary to first reach out to others by:
Taking time for your family.
Volunteering your time to community groups and organizations.
Visiting your neighbors.
Joining a club or hobby group.
Your support system may help you through the stress of a personal financial crisis. By reaching out to others and taking advantage of their support and friendship, you can gain strength to deal with your problems and an ability to take control of your situation. In addition to your personal support network, you can use community agencies and organizations for support.
Getting through the stresses of a drought usually involves many families in a community experiencing the same types of challenges. Coming together through the religious, social and community service groups you often use is important in times of drought. It is tempting to pull away and think that you and your family are the only ones not coping well. Interacting with and drawing support from one another is a valuable way for families to receive the greatest benefit from all resources available. . . human, community and financial.
References
Boelter, L. Managing Between Jobs - Setting Spending Priorities, University of Wisconsin - Extension, 1994.
Crawford, C. and L. E. Smith. Getting Through Tough Times - Setting Spending Priorities,
University of Illinois Cooperative Extension Service, 1994.
"Coping With Job Loss." ISR Newsletter. University of Michigan.
"Coping with Unemployment." Texas Agricultural Extension Service. 1986.
Curran, Dolores. Traits of Healthy Family. 1983
Hughes, Robert Jr., Support for Families: The Social Network. North Central Regional Extension Publication. No. 226. 1985.
Pitzer, Ronald L. "Family Communication in Times of Stress." University of Minnesota. 1984.
Contact your local Texas Agricultural Extension Agents' office for copies of other sections of this manual. The address and phone number can be found in the yellow pages of your phone book under "governmental offices - county."